Lost & Found

Sometimes, thoughts clog up my head. Little did I think, things would end up like it has! But it has! Acceptance does make it easy, but does it make me happy? Life has been a constant process of dreaming, aspiring and desiring. A little to far fetch-ed. Looking back makes me nostalgic. There is a pain of seeing everyday being so much different then I had thought in my head. This makes me want to break free, cut loose, break up and get Lost.

Lost- I chose to be lost. Lost, not in an unknown land, but lost in a figment of my imagination. I did wander around a lot, been to places over and over till I knew where to take a U-turn. That day, I decided to be lost. I knew in my heart- I was heading a wrong direction. But I let myself keep going. I kept travelling deeper. It was the sheer delight of being lost. It gave me a rush. It made me feel good. I was going with the feeling. I knew I had to take a U-turn at some point and head back. I wanted to go on a little longer. I knew the longer I travel the greater pain it would be for me to return back. I turned-out to be a masochistic, in the shadow and amidst of womanism.   

I could be pseudo. I could be a liar. I have lied to myself too long, lived in illusion of being somebody different. But may be… I am someone who loves living. Trying to make the best out of any situation, not letting me bound down by social conventions. I am an adventurer on my own right. I’m reclaiming my life, or at least trying to. It’s hard. It has changed me. Rather, it would be right to say- It has brought out the other side of me. This me, is much different than I had once claimed to be.

Life is a process of evolving. At every cross road you meet people, right people, wrong people, good and bad. They all have an everlasting effect on you- consciously or unconsciously, we carry a part of them within us. They mold you, they change you. I could have been another person, had I met different people, had different experiences. I realized, at times it’s important to loose one-self. I lost myself and found my true self.

Bleeding Heart

When your Heart is bleeding:

• Start looking forward to something better in the future.
• Loose the memories. Don’t imagine the past over and over in your head. That’s the easiest way to fade the memories out.
• Keep yourself busy. As busy as possible.
• Try invading another world all together. May be another planet. Just get out of the space and the place.
• It’s OK to just baselessly fantasize, Day-Dream grand future plans, as long as you know it’s merely for the pleasure of the imagination.
• Never blame yourself, or the other person too for the matter of fact. As the saying goes...You can’t clap with one hand, etc, etc, you should have rather bitch-slapped when u had the opportunity.
• Don’t get vulnerable. Don’t push your limits as desperate measures.
• It’s OK not to be Alright. Its OK to weep cry be sad when u want to. Just try and be around a friend at the time of crisis.
• You aren’t the only one. Millions have done it before. You will get over it too. And sooner then u think.
• Never carry the baggage of you past into the Future. Every relation is different Treat it differently.
• Trying and being friends DON’T work out. Stay far away, really far away… Till you haven’t forgotten the face. You will discover a stranger...Very different form the one you loved.
• Sometimes, in our imagination, we find a person more intense, than they are in flesh and blood.
• When your heart is bleeding, use it to the fullest potential. Indulge yourself in your passion you have ignored for long.
• Free yourself of the memories of the past, in order to give room for new experiences.
• Lonely is just a state of mind. You can choose to be a happy Loner. Solitude is a art that demands patience.
• Alone is freedom only if you recognize it.
• Tuck the pillow, if you hate sleeping alone. Or you could cuddle up with your pet.
• Rejuvenate, pamper yourself. Be the Narcissist you have secretly wished to be. You cant ever love another if you haven’t loved yourself.
• Just remember, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your perceived-to-be Prince Charming.
• For some, moving on is the ‘Happy Ending’

Oh! Thank you Bea

Oh! Thank you Bea, for single handedly, being the greatest joy of my life. Isn’t it? How will I ever thank you enough for all the luscious licks and the, rather painful, little nose bites every morning I wake up. Opening my eyes I see your heavy grasping breathing mouth, peeping over the bed. How tiring it must be for u to make the effort of stretching yourself to stand up to the rim of the Bed. Has to be quite a herculean unimaginable labor for your little petite body! That early Morning glimpse of your beautiful deep black innocent eyes that make me feel what a man could have never make me feel. How easily you transcend through those huge black eyes the ever unspoken words “Wake the Fuck up and gimme some fucking attention, willya!!?”

The smell of your early morning breath, works like a miracle. It’s like smelling the fresh brewing Coffee on a lazy winter morning. Spur of the moment reminds me to look around if the House is still on the place I left it for the night. God forbids, nature earth can be very defeating and unpredictable! I can’t Thank you enough for showing such humility in watching over the House while I was peacefully sleeping like a baby while u were effortlessly empting the Dustbins, Cleaning the Dirty filthy corner dust, clearing the shoe rack and running the chores ruthlessly thrust upon you. How impeccably you swipe and sweep the entire floor using your precious canine, fur and paw! Making me feel all the more useless and sluggish, for the nights peaceful indulgence of sleep. You fail me effortlessly in all the endeavors I make to find one inch untouched and uncared for floor.

I learn lessons of Obedience from you, Bea. Every time I restlessly look for you and call out you name, each time you show up. If not my eyes and ears look and trace every move you make. I convey my sincere regards and do apologies for using and misusing the syllabus “b” innumerous amounts of time, more so for redundantly using the obnoxiously, high pitched vocals. The resilient you still show up, each time with so familiar yet surprising new expressions. It meticulously puts to words the untold story of another triumph, another victory, another never succumbing tale of true free spirit.

Finally, Picking up and cleaning every bit of shredded paper and “things”, you do make realize how easily you could replaced a free monkey in a banana factory. And here I am, forsaken and authoritarian, mercilessly ripping you of all the freedom and glimmer of joy from your unfulfilling, unsatisfied hunger of Life. Oh forgive me Bea, for not being the enabler, which I thrive to become. For I seldom fail!